Tell or not tell

I have been suffering from AP for a long time and i can cope with it more or less, one day is better than the other. As long as i’m alone i can handle it best since there are always escape routes, in company it’s sometimes harder.
I have a woman friend and we often go cyckling together, sometimes also with others or just 2 or 3 of us.
Should i tell her that i have this problem or just continue without telling? Now on a trip i look for an escape route and wander off to find a quiet place so i can pee by myself, it’s not always easy, for example if we go by car to a certain place and start a cyckling trip there i often suggest i drive by myself, in that case i can leave the main road and look for a quiet spot before we head of to the meeting point, if we drive together i can’t control it. Than i must find an excuse to wander of or dissapear for some time to find a quiet spot.
Saturday we go for a trip, i go with her in her car, is during the bike trip maybe a good time to explain why i wander of ( and not just stand by the side of the road like any other man would)?
It’s always a moment of doubt, if i don’t tell she does not know, if i tell i.m affraid she will focus even more on my behaviour when it comes to toilets.
My suffer score varies, at home i’m ok, large house, two bathrooms and a big garden, at friends houses, more difficult, also unsure,one day ok, the next a disaster. Public places also vary, i always use a cubical, if there are plenty with doors to the floor usually ok, just one with no door and walls down to the floor, can be a problem.
Plains, trains, service staions on the motorway when i’m in company is a no go, by myself it usually works since i have options to even if necesarry leave the motorway and look for a forest...
So a trip to the Alps with friends is 10 hrs no go, flying...usually a last pee at home and the next is at the hotelroom at the destination..
Thanks for understanding.
All the best.

#255 by Jan

Hi there

Glad you have been able to ask this question; you’ve come to the right place :-)

We advocate telling people about one’s shy bladder but only if two conditions are met: one, they need to know, and two, there is mutual trust. In your case your cycling companion needs to know; but you do not say if you feel there is mutual trust. I suspect there is otherwise she would not cycle with you.

There is a natural fear about telling someone; it’s a big deal for you, and you feel you risk embarrassment and also knock-on effects. Our experience from loads of guys is that telling someone has a positive result. At worst they don’t understand shy bladder but realise it’s a problem for you. At best a surprising number say the response was along the lines of: “Oh I get that a bit myself sometimes; or I have a friend/relations who has got that.” The teller has not regretted getting the load off their shoulders.

So how do you do it. Our script is on the website here:

There’s an extra bit in item 27 on this page:

Note also item 7 about how peeing is taken out of your control.

Once you’ve gone through the script, make sure to tell her what you needs are e.g. privacy and the time to find it; no time pressure, so ask her to do something so she is not “waiting”; ask her not to ask you “how did it go?” when you return.

You say that peeing by the side of the road is something cycling groups do. I assume its cos they are wearing cleats and walking is uncomfortable. But in terms of politeness to passing traffic, it is better to distance yourself by going behind a tree, or bush, or wall. The point here is that someone with shy bladder feels they are doing it because of that, when in fact you can say that you prefer consider passing people.

Remember that peeing for most people is a non-event akin to blowing one’s nose. Hence why they can struggle to understand the problem. This is where item 7 comes in.

How does all this sound?


#256 by andrew

I have also ben suffering most of my life, and it came to a head this year when I stopped being able to pee on an aeroplane which has never been a problem before. I was distraught, but spent the first 5 days of my holiday reading up! I came across the reference to Breath Hold technique and being relatively fit, can hold my breath no problem.
It works!!
I used it on the plane come back, and then last week in a busy hotel urinals I took the plunge, and after a slow start, it worked again, and again, and again, and then became a lot easier.
It seems cramped cubicles on planes and trains pushed me into the worse stage after 30 years of using any cubicle no problem, but now, I suddenly feel confident again.
I am going to use the BH technique to give me the confidence to beat this.
Once your brain knows it can't stop you going for a pee, it will cease to cause problems! That's my approach which seems to be working.
I've told my family only recently, and even some close friends, and they are supportive.
Tell those close to you and they will understand, and it will help.
Good luck!!

#259 by David

Thank you David and Andrew for the advice and tips, they are very helpfull.
I may consider using different techniques in the future, first i will take a moment to tell my cycle friend. We both have a unique sense of humour and laugh a lot, so this will surely help once the serious part is over.
I tried to reply yesterday Andrew but i’m not sure it got thru. I just wanted to tell that there is mutual trust among us. Just the other day she said that the nice thing about us is that we always can be ourselves when we spend time together.
Thanks all

#260 by Jan

Good stuff Jan. Do let us know how to goes.

#261 by andrew

And so it all turned out very good. She was very understanding, and supportive.
Just before i shared my story she actually alse shared one with me, she suffers from panic attacks occasionally, so we have a lot in common to talk about and have lots of respect for eachothers situation.
Glad i talked about it.
Thanks for the support.

#262 by Jan
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