Last weekend I attended the ukpt workshop in Manchester. Previously, I had attended the virtual workshop from the International Paruresis Association and was already practising desensitisation. This had given me a good direction for the future but it doesn’t compare to what I’ve experienced this weekend.
I can say a lot of things about the workshop, about how good it was, the excellent guidance, about the challenges, about the connection I felt to the other participants . But what I want to share is what happened on the way back home, just to give an insight in how all the different things you learn add up. At Schiphol AirPort I decided to use the restroom to keep the exposure going. I had learned to practice, practice, practice. I came in and chose a urinal in the corner which looked ‘comfortable’ to me, because I had learned that exposure is about succes and not about making it harder on yourself. Standing there, I experienced latency. I had learned that this is normal with low urgency and more challenging situations. I outwaited two guys who stood next to me. I had learned that at the urinals people are unusually close in your personal space and it’s ok to not like that. After that I started a stream. Again somebody stood next to me. I ‘choked’ but I had learned some small relaxtion techniques and soon enough I was peeing again with somebody next to me!
When I left the restroom suddenly the biggest smile ever appeared on my face, from ear to ear. I couldn’t take it off. I realised that during my time in the restroom I had experienced little to no anxiety! This felt like true magic! In the end, that was the most important aspect for me, losing anxiety. That is what you learn at the workshop.
I have been suffering from paruresis for more than over 30 years with episodes I can describe as severe (not being able to go in my own home when others are present). It has made me depressed and suicidal. But I have now experienced that it can change. Therefore, if you’re in doubt about following a workshop, just try it! I had to travel from the Netherlands but knowing what I know now, I would have flown to the other end of the world.
7 months 2 weeks ago