Hi again James, your particular case sounds very difficult & challenging. Once again, I’m sorry to hear this & sympathise with you. Have you ever tried using Tena pads or Tena pants for men? They’re advertised in some public conveniences, such as Birmingham Bullring. You might be able to get them free by asking your g.p. They will get someone to contact you & that person will decide if you qualify & if so, they will have a box of several packets delivered to your home so it’s discreet. When you’re running out you just order more. Tena also do incontinence boxers on their online store & they are on offer at the moment. These boxers are totally different from the pants & if you go on the website & read the information, it tells you they’re designed exactly for dribbles & bigger leaks. They may be a very good option for you specifically.
The situation where you describe trying to wee just before you leave home to go to the races is what is called in the Ukpt as “time pressure” & is also what the Ukpt call one of the ten hierarchy’s of challenge (we’re taught these things at the workshop & they’re in the paperwork they give you to take home & learn from).
This is where you put yourself under pressure to wee & the pressure causes you to tense up & the bladder won’t relax to let the wee out. Going to the toilet say 10-15 minutes before you leave will take the time pressure off & also give you the feeling of an empty bladder when you’re out whereas if you wee to early you could build an urge to go sooner rather than later (nervousness about getting through the day could cause the need to wee when you are out).
I don’t fly & have only been on a flight once & that was about an hour journey from North to Southern U.K. so don’t personally know what that one’s like but if you keep reading this forum (including older posts) then you will see many others can relate to you & you are not the only one. I have had the same problem trying to wee in train toilets when the train has been rocking though & can find that problematic. Maybe the Tena boxers I mentioned above would be good for journeys like flights for you?
With regards to you spraying yourself, if this is normal for you on planes then sit on the toilet to urinate rather than standing & at least you will spray onto the toilet bowl & not yourself. You could also try only wearing dark trousers such as black jeans on journeys where you know you’re most likely to wet your clothes because wetness doesn’t show up so much or dark clothes as it does light coloured clothes such as blue jeans. If the wet patch is visible then perhaps splash a bit of water on the opposite side to where you dress down & if someone says anything you can make the excuse that the water splashed out of the sink all over you. Nobody will be any the wiser. Alternatively, don’t tuck your t-shirts, shirts, or jumpers into your trousers so that they can then hang over your crotch area & wetness will be less visible.
Another option is when you’re walking back to your seat on the plane, put your arms in front of you & cup your hands together in front of your crotch to hide the wet patch until you sit back in your seat & hopefully nobody will notice. Some passengers will be too busy doing other things to notice your wet patch anyways as they’ll be sleeping, reading or chatting to the person sitting next to them.
On a personal note, I’ve been out with friends, come back from the gents & had them laughing at me because they’ve noticed a wet patch on my jeans but I’ve just replied “you’ve done the same before, yourself, haven’t you!?” & they’ve laughed and said “yes”.
They’re not laughing at me in an unpleasant way, they are just laughing because they’re amused & know what it’s like & know from experience it’s just a human condition. Especially when we get older!
I hope you find this post insightful.
Please find below the link to Tena website...



www.tena.co.uk/men

Morning Karl. I'm okay thanks, had a stressful week with car issues but hopefully will be sorted out this week.. I wouldn't even attempt to use a urinal, few reasons but the main one being I always have to pat dry after urinating so always use a cubical, which sometimes (more often than not) there is only one of in male toilets. I would dribble a little after if I didn't pat dry. I do try and hold on as long as possible, it depends on the situation really or I try and go a little earlier than I might need to, even though I may not always have a full bladder. Example: we go to York Races a couple of times a year. It's just over an hour away from where I live. I usually get picked up about 10 ish. If I left going for a wee till just before I leave then this is when I know I would struggle to go, I try and plan and not go when I first get up, have my coffee and then maybe go a good half an hour before I get picked up, it doesn't always work and I still struggle but I keep telling myself I have plenty of time before I get picked up and usually after 4 or 5 minutes of trying I will go. There is a service station we usually stop at and I know I can go there but from past experiences when I have gone and tried I can't go, just the pressure of knowing someone is waiting for me and then I start to worry about what they are thinking "why am I taking so long" etc. There are two cubicles here as well! Similarly, when are coming home from the races I know roughly what time we are leaving so rather than waiting and going on the way out (like my family members would do) I'll purposely try and hold on and then maybe go before the last race so I know I won't be under any pressure compared to if I left it and went just as we are leaving. The main place / situation is when flying - just the build up. Even from leaving home - I stay at my parents and we usually get picked really early and it's always a bit hectic, we get picked up then go and pick my brother and family up. I try and go as soon as I get up and not leave it till just before we leave, this usually works. Same at the airport I try and go in good time before we are boarding. On the plane is always a nightmare for me and this is probably when been able to self catheterise would help. I really struggled on the return flight home this year (we always go at Easter so it's normally a longer flight unfortunately - I can probably mange not been able to go on a two hour flight). It wasn't a good flight for turbulence which makes peeing harder at the best of times. I'd already had one failed attempt and then tried again, I was probably stood trying for at least 5 minutes, with the pressure of knowing other people were waiting and worrying about the turbulence getting bad again and the seatbelt sign coming back on. I eventually started spraying a little and was really trying hard to maintain even just a dribble, however because I was spraying I ended up wetting myself, fortunately not noticeable when I left the toilet. But still an unpleasant / embarrassing situation. Thankfully on the journey home as I was wearing the only pair of trousers I had taken on holiday! Thanks for sharing your experiences Karl. Where abouts do you live? Take care.

Hi James, I’m not too bad, thank you. Hope you’re well.
I thought i’d share last night’s experience with you.
I used my bathroom first thing but purposely didn’t go again after I’d drank two mugs of coffee, a beaker of juice & a little water because I was going to a pub for lunch & like to use the facilities if I can so wanted to keep fluid in my bladder. I knew I could pee before I left home but chose not to. I had one glass of pop with lunch but didn’t need to urinate so didn’t use the gents. I was going back out at tea time & travelling 35 miles by train to a gig. I’d had a cuppa or two at home during the afternoon & once again, purposely didn’t use the bathroom because I wanted to use the conveniences when I was out.
At the venue I had just two pints & during my second pint i visited the gents. My level of urgency was still only around a seven after all that time not urinating & all those drinks I’d had during the day. The gents are unpleasant at this venue. They are three long troughs in an n shape formation so if you use the side ones you are standing sideways to anyone who walks in. There was one chap on the right, one chap who just stood the one on the left which another chap was using & there was a chap on the right end of the one with his back to everyone. Using the most sensible option, I stood at that trough but on the left end. One of the chaps I’ve previously mentioned was behind me. I realised immediately that my flow wasn’t going to start right away, if it all but I stayed very relaxed & didn’t worry too much about the chap at the other end realising I wasn’t peeing. The chap must have only just began urinating before I’d gone in as I could tell by the length of time he was stood there. He left & I didn’t know if anyone was behind me or coming in & I just waited to see if I could urinate. Approx four minutes later a few sprays came out of me before a normal stream began & continued until my bladder was empty. Success!!!
Good luck trying the full bladder technique and remember - you can always practise at home first just to begin training your bladder to work in this new way.
I can relate to your difficulty at using gents at very busy places like football stadiums because I’ve had the same experiences using stadium toilets at gigs and also at arenas where I know they are going to be very busy.
Please keep us informed how you are getting on & someone will reply to you with any advice they think might help.
Andrew & the team are very good at this.

Hi Karl.
Hope you're well?
Thanks for this advice, I am going to try the full bladder technique you explained. I do tend to wait as long as possible (especially in certain situations - when I know toilet facilities are limited or I when I know I will probably struggle to go). I'm not someone who will avoid going out or to places even if I know I'll struggle or I don't know what the facilities will be like. I like to think I try and not let it control my life and stop me from dong things. Some situations are difficult to avoid or wait till I know where there might be more than one toilet, as I seem to have most issues when I know someone is waiting for me or I have to be somewhere at a certain time - planes and football tournaments been two examples, situations where been able to self catheterise might help me or even relax me to the point where I can go naturally, knowing I had a back up.
Thanks again Karl.

Good luck with urology, James. I have never tried the catheter route and thankfully because I attended the ukpt workshop, follow-up workshop and read the the paperwork at home many times that I was given at the workshop, I haven’t needed catheterisation.
I had exactly the same problem as you with regards to starting, even when my bladder was full but from the workshop i learnt to mark that full bladder on a level of urgency from 1-10 & wait until it’s an 8-10 before attempting to urinate & it’s worked lots of times for me. Sometimes it’s latent (a bit slower to start), but I do pass urine. If you know which toilets only have one toilet in then just avoid them & only attempt to use one’s that have more than one.
I hope you get to attend a workshop and that it helps. The team are wonderful & the other paruresis sufferers are all sympathetic to each other because they’ve been through the same experiences.

Hi Karl. Thanks for your reply and advice. I'm just waiting for a referral back to urology, hopefully they will be able to help further, I am looking into the option of self catheterisation to use in certain circumstances. I guess the main issues are I have are getting started, this is an issue even if my bladder is full. Especially in places were there is only maybe one toilet and someone else is waiting. I think the next workshops are later this year, so I will have a look. Thanks again.