Posted by jason k on 16/11/2009, 3:39 pm
i'm in my late 20s and ever since puberty i've been unwilling to urinate with the other boys at the urinals. i pulled away from team sports, never changing in front of others and always being highly bashful of discussions of 'size'. i've had relationships through the last 15 years and although i've never been told i was inadequate i've always been unsure of the reality of my size against others. i've done research on the net and found that i am in the normal range but as you're aware an anorexic can distort their perception of their body to sppear fat to them when all the rest of us seem them as emaciated, i suspect i have this perception of inadequacy that may not be based on a sound objective reality.
i'm currently married and we have a good sex life. she's been around with many ex partners too and has no complaints about my size so i should draw comfort in that. perhaps from my unwillingness to engage in the world of men from such an early age, my use of pornography, my noticing some men in the street with large bulges in their trousers have all contributed to me not having a realistic perception of normalcy. i don't need to be a pron star but i'd like to think i was bang in the middle percent of normal. i'd be comfortable with that.
i also want to be able to go into a toilet and if there is the choice of the cubicle or a urinal where i'd have another person either side of me, i could confidently use the urinal. i've read some of the other postings on this site and there are some extreme cases that have shocked me. the catheter bags shows some pretty extreme coping strategy, and i've been able to frequent bars and go out. but i must admit i often leave a pub or bar pretending to take a call just so i could piss in the car park or in the street. i'd piss against the side of a toilet avoiding the water so people would think i was going for a number two. i've avoided going out in large groups of men as the likelihood of being in the toilet at the same time as one of the group is too high. you can't watch the damned toilet all night plotting your opportunities it's too distracting from having a good time and then you might as well be at home anyway.
it's a terrible condition. i'm looking at a hierarchy with my psychologist and slow desensitisation. i'll beat this back to a normal level of comfort. i don't have to feel comfortable at the urinal compared to the privacy of a cubicle or a urinal with a partition between troughs, but i should be able to use one without freezing up. i can keep it going once a flow is released and someone walks in and stands next to me. i cannot start urinating however if i go in at the same time as someone or someone is already there.
you know how the flacid penis has a broad range of size depending on factors but your erect penis is pretty much the same size once achieved each time. i am so worried that when in the flacis state - as we should all be at a public urinal - i will pull it out and it'll be much shorter than normal and the guy next to be will be draining a healthy jet from a much larger penis. i will freeze up, unable to go, blush uncontrolably and run out in mortal anguish.
this is how i feel every time. and it's ruining my life.
i'm not really asking for anything here. i just wanted to post my story and see if it compelled anyone else to make a comment or tell me theirs.
thank you 1443
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