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I haven't really spoke much about my AP on a discussion board before, but feel that it is time to share abit about my experiences because I feel that i'm not moving forward much.
I have had problems using public restrooms since i was 16 (im now 23) and started properly confronting my paruresis last september after years of dealing with it at university and in other awkward situations. At my first london workshop after practicing with a buddy, I managed to go quite a few time in a big restroom with dividers. I even got to the point where I managed to go standing next to someone with dividers, which was something i wouldn't have been able to do prior to the workshop. I came out of the weekend feeling a big weight off my shoulders knowing that i could now talk about it, but quickly saw a dip in my progress.
I made a few attempts to fluid load but i found it quite difficult to find a good place and felt like I was back at square one. I then decided to go on a second workshop, which was a massive help. I was alot more relaxed this time, and like the first time saw a major improvement. In the morning on the first day, i'm not sure how this happened but I managed to go everytime. Although a little anxious I was able to go in big restrooms without dividers and after an hour or so managed to go standing next to people in a very busy small restroom.
I was a little taken back by this big leap to success and it stuck on my mind that it was just luck. In the afternoon, because i had been thinking about it over lunch, I found it hard to go again which knocked my confidence. Since then I have been making a big effort to fluid load every weekend and sometimes i do well and other times not so well. I feel that I have got to get in the flow of going to the toilet before i can relax which means in one off situations I freeze.
Does anyone who's been there, have any advice for what I should be doing now that im at this point. Should I be fluid loading more often then once a week? What else should i be doing to help myself progress? I am keeping a diary, which I feel helps a bit.
I know that its going to take time and it hasn't been long since I started confronting it, but I keep feeling that I'm back at square one everytime I have a misfire.
Sorry for the essay. Thanks in advance for any replies.
Blimey,It's been a while (2006?) since I posted anything on the board , I attended the 2nd EVER workshop in 2003 and have helped out on one too.
I learned SO much on the workshop and even NOW say a little thanks to Andrew every time in my head when I successfully use an aircraft toilet or urinal out and about! lol
The thing is , I just DON'T think about AP anymore , even when I have a misfire , I just dont' beat myself up about it , AND I CHOOSE to go when and where i feel comfortable , if a stall feels good , I go , if a urinal feels good I go there , without the voices in my head saying I 'ducked out ' yad yada ... AS LONG AS I PEED ...JOB DONE who cares ?!
I have have occasionally misfired in a crowded toilet , gone to wash my hands , composed myself and tried again successfully , did anyone notice ...er...NO ...did i CARE ...er NO ! AS LONG AS I PEED ! I just think of all the Times I have peed freely knowing in my inner thoughts that I know I can !
I KNOW it's very easy to just be telling you and others this and you thinking 'but what if I can't be like this ? '
You really HAVE to think glass half full ! , I thank EVERY day I attended the workshop , and for my good friend Andrew Smith for showing me that ( and here's the biggest lesson) It's what YOU think about AP not anyone else!
Stick at the de-sensing and RELAX, think of the progress you have made BUT , DO NOT keep dwelling on failures ,try NOT to obsess about it or worry , time will heal , you WILL succeed ! Remember all the lessons learned on the workshop! ED, if you misfire a few times you are NOT back at square one my friend, try not to put too much pressure on yourself (been there done that) you said you've peed freely next to someone ...amazing , well done , hold that positive thought !
I've also found Hypnotic relaxation is great for positive vibes too , there are some great ones on the iphone/itunes for those geeks out there ! lol
Hope any of this helps mate best Ian B.
ps for those who are still plucking up courage to attend a workshop , don't worry and get there , the best move you will EVER make !
Thanks for all your advice Ian, Andrew and Colin, I appreciate it.
I'd just like to add that I didn't post on this board because I have lost hope! I am still optimistic, and believe that I will eventually get over this completely! The glass is still very much half full, and I will be making an extra effort to de-sense more if I can free some time.
It is the one off situations that put me down a bit but I DO believe that after a while it will become easier and eventually, like you Ian, I won't think about AP at all! oooooh that will be a nice feeling! haha.
I am going to re-read the workshop notes again tonight and will put them to practice this weekend!
Thanks again for your advice and I will let you know how I get on.
Oh Ed, you are beating yourself up about this aren't you!
1. I agree, it has not been long since the workshops.
2. one reason you progressesd so well on the workshop is that you did not have any expectations; then once you had done well, you struggled because you now expected to be able to pee and it created a performance pressure. So...
3. When you go, go in the frame of mind thats says "it does not matter if I do not pee cos I can go again in five minutes".
4. Pick up Ian's excellent advice in his posting "I have occasionally misfired in a crowded toilet, gone to wash my hands, composed myself, and tried again successfully".
5. Check Scooters' rules: " In the toilet, your body will either decide to pee or decide not to pee. You can't force it. So stop trying. All you can do is keep an unwavering belief that the natural decision is to pee".
On the workshop you saw what you can do: its as if you had jumped from finding it difficult to ride a bike, to suddenly riding one on a tighrope. Now you have become very conscious of how scary that is to a beginner, and are thinking too much about it, instead of letting the body do the necessary balancing automatically.
Hi Ed Sorry to hear you are having a few problems. I support the comments made by Ian and Andrew. The more you think about it, the more you hand over control to your boo monster.
I know it is hard, mate. And it all seems so fruitless at the moment, but you made the right decision in posting on the board, cos all your buddies here will give you support and help you get back on track.
Can I suggest you re-read all the notes from your workshops? Re-inforce your belief. - Remember the three R's, Relaxation, Rationalisation, and Reinforcement. Your Boo Monster won't want you to read your notes - it gives you back the control he seeks - so set aside some time and go through them methodically.
Remember your cockpit drill - practice this even in safe situations. Get a strong trigger and use it every time. Associate this with a really successful event like the "going whilst standing next to people in a very busy small restroom" one above.
Stop-Start? Try this at home three times a week. It is surprising how much difference this can make.
Cubicles? As Ian says, wash your hands, re-focus, try again. If no joy then there is always a cubicle - loud and proud, remember?
I hope the above sets you back on track. I believe it will, as you made the right decision to post on the board. Do post again, or contact Andrew to discuss other ideas.
And don't forget you can always do another workshop. You say you made great progress each time on the first two. Who knows what you might achieve with another one? It might be just the booster you need right now.
I found a little blog by an AP guy today. 'Google Shy Bladder So What' it will come up. He was looking at graduated exposure and he quoted a book where it says you'll have good days and bad days. Its the old saying '2 steps forwards 1 step back'. Just think about your hiearachies and your urgency. If you find yourself unable to go treat it as an oppurtunity to practice being calm about it. Stay there a while and make yourself relaxed- then when you are next in that situation you will find yourself less stressed. I went to a pub the other day where I never would have gone into the toilets in the past. Went in and they had a trough. I couldnt go in there after trying so I went into the cubicle and went. As I almost finished peeing I noticed the door weren't locked and had swung open a bit, and there was a large gap both above and below the door (and around the wall of the cubicle). I could have beat myself up about using the cubicle but six months ago I would have gone in, seen the gaps and freaked the #### out! So its small steps for us all buddy.
Simon, The original video is one of mine, on YouTube. It looks like various sites have picked it up and reference it through their own site.
I packed several shirts for a recent visit to Las Vegas. All were my Paruretic.Org logo shirts that say (in large letters) on the back, "Shy Bladder...So What?".
I wore the shirts each day, all day. Standing at urinals in crowded restrooms with that message on my shirt back is only mildly challenging (at most) for me. Most of the time I forgot I was even wearing the shirts.
I can do that because I know that it's just shy bladder. It has no meaning, sometimes I just need extra time, privacy or another restroom. That makes me (almost totally) immune to being teased or laughed at. I laugh at myself, and I have no problem living my life now as an out of the closet recovered paruretic.
Since you mentioned it, look for the ParureticDave channel on YouTube. It will take you straight to my videos without advertising or concern over the possibility of downloading a virus.
Wow - I often read these entries but this is the first time I have felt the urge to respond. The reason for doing so now is that I can relate so much to the initial post, and also to the subsequent responses. The reality is that I am probably at the same stage as Ed - I've made massive (no, monumental) improvements but I (we?) tend to dwell on what's ahead, not behind us - that's because of who we are - over sensitive. I'm not saying I know the answer Ed, but I have to agree that the only way out is through and that means we (all of us) keep going. I hate the set backs, but as someone (??) once said, "having a set back means you must at first have come forward". This is hard, but I'm not giving up.