This Discussion Board is for women who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Men should use the men's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
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Hi there my 16yr old daughter has not been able to wee in public for about 7yrs and has coped by not drinking in day , she is going on a month long trip next yr with school and is really worried, have been to doctors bladder fine said she should try telephone counselling, has anyone tried hypnosis, it'any help would be appreciated thanks worried mum jane
Hi Jane, sorry for the late reply. I didn't find hypnosis successful when I tried it several years ago, and I tried more than one hypnotherapist. Through UKPT I have learned that CBT based therapies are considered the most effective approach. If you haven't already done so, you could ask for more detailed advice by emailing the address at the top of this page. I do feel for your daughter, it is hard enough dealing with this problem as an older adult. I hope that you will be able to find a therapist who can help. I and other women with paruresis have found it helpful to know that there are others 'in the same boat', and to be able to discuss our problems openly with people who understand and share our difficulties. I have also found it very helpful to attend UKPT workshops, although I realise that your daughter's age may be an issue here. Best wishes, Jane
I know this is very late but I hope I can offer some support!
A bit of background: Now 26, I have suffered with paruresis for as long as I can remember. I kept it to myself and my parents thought I was being an absolute nuisance - not drinking even in hot weather, never using the bathroom then complaining later that I was desire are but still not being able to do anything about it, trying to avoid family days out... Eventually it erupted aged 15 when I was due to go on a band trip involving a 20 hr coach journey. We'd paid, rehearsed and I realised I wouldn't be able to manage. Now I still suffer with it, am careful with liquids before long journeys and sometimes am left bursting for a while, but I manage and enjoy a regular social life.
So first of all it's fantastic that your daughter has spoken about this with you!!
Here are a few things which I've found helped me temporarily and long term, and some things which I tried and didn't work for me:
Catheters I was recommended to take these on that trip by a urologist. I visited a nurse who showed me how to insert them. They were horrible, painful and I never succeeded putting one in by myself after the nurse did it. Nevertheless, it was comforting knowing that should I ever be so desperate then I could always use one.
Hypnosis Tried and was a fantastic waste of money. The focus was on helping me self-induce a calm trance-like state which I could then use when in the loo. Didn't work at all.
Gradual exposure I began to just get teach myself to get comfortable being in public bathrooms - I'd go in and just wash my hands or brush my hair to look busy and get used to the environment. Sometimes I'd go into a stall, sit a little but without feeling pressure that I need to use it. I even visited a loo on the plane for the first time a couple of years ago! This helped me in two ways: firstly it removed the stress and pressure I had always felt in public loos, and secondly I began to see that other people use the loo in all different ways (short or long time, to do make up, wash hands, have a gossip...) and that no one really cares what anyone else is doing. Hearing other people urinate made me realise it's just not a big deal.
Telling others When other people knew I found it difficult to use the loo in various situations it removed a lot of pressure. I used to go into the stall, panic because I wasn't 'succeeding', and then panic again because I was spending too much time, so would give up very soon. It was embarrassing to tell my friends but I just mentioned it casually to people one-on-one and laughed about it a little and no one cared.
Turning on the taps On trips away I'd take very quick showers morning and evening but leave the shower running while using the loo so no one would hear me or wonder why I was spending so long in the bathroom. Twice a day is better than nothing!
Alcohol Not at this age of course, but with a small amount of alcohol inhibitions are lowered and sometimes now I find myself using a public loo without a second thought. (Not being drunk, but literally after one glass of wine...)
Patience At the beginning of my 'recovery' I would go to a small public loo and tell myself I'm not leaving until I've used it. If someone else came in I'd just wait for them to leave. Having even one positive experience made way for more of them.
Very busy bathrooms These are the easiest for me now, when there are so many people rushing in and out, the hand dryer is always going and nobody cares who anyone is.
These are just a few thoughts for now. I realise I've written a lot - I'm sorry!
I hope that some of these can help your daughter. More importantly I hope she knows that she's not alone in this, many people are very understanding and that she can work on it and improve!
Hi Emma - it's good to see a new "face" on here, and with so many useful suggestions too. I'm a trustee of UK Paruresis Trust and meet up via Skype from time to time with some of the women who have been in touch via the discussion board. You would be most welcome to join us. And also do watch out for the new UKPT website which will be going live literally any day!
Just to say that Jane has been in touch with me about this and so has not posted any follow up. In desperation they tried hypnotherapy on a "nothing to lose basis" and to everyone's surprise it worked! So far her daughter is peeing with no difficulty.
Please do not post any negative or judgemental comments about this, as we do not wish to prejudice her recovery.