This Discussion Board is for men who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Women should use the women's Board.
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U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
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Hi everyone, I discovered this site a couple of years ago but this is the first post I've made, as is common with the condition I've been avoiding facing my demons for a long time. Obviously the problem doesn't go away of its own accord though so I think it's really time to start taking positive steps. Ive been living with this since about mid 2007 when i was 19. However, unlike a lot of the stories I've read through on here, I feel I can be held more accountable for my issues. I used to enjoy a busy social life before this problem manifested itself, drinking, going to clubs and festivals, spending time with friends, etc. I also enjoyed taking drugs though which I think is what caused my phobia to develop. I can't remember ever having issues before dabbling with things like LSD, but when 'on it' I started becoming aware of the inability to pass urine when I needed to. This gradually became worse, moving from being something i experienced only when on drugs, to something that happened when I drank, to the point now where it affects me all the time, even when i'm in my own home if I have guests round. Foolishly the longer I've left it the worst its become. I'm sure you all understand how slippery a slope it is. A constant downward spiral. Anyway, I haven't touched drugs in years now. Once i realized the side effect I got I quit them altogether. Unfortunately the problem didn't subside though. Until last year I was in a serious long term relationship with a girl that was with me since before the problem arose. It took about a year to tell her but eventually I did, mainly because my change in character seemed to be driving her away and I felt I had to explain myself. I had started avoiding all social situations in which i might end up having to be uncomfortable for hours. Telling her definitely helped for a little while, she was really understanding and though we started going out and doing things again I was never as sociable and active as when i was younger and healthy. Eventually things fell apart because of my avoiding tendencies. I guess it became too much after a while for her and I lost the only person I had to talk to about it. I see less and less of my friends these days, I can't tell whether they know or not but I suspect they've put two and two together. Making excuses every weekend as to why I'm not going to the pub or wherever people are socializing means I generally don't get asked anymore. Whenever I do anything these days my phobia is taken into account. I constantly worry about the future, how i'm going to hold down a career once I leave university in June, or how i'm ever going have another serious relationship with someone. Its like a massive paradox, in order to bring myself to telling another girl about my phobia I would want us to be so close or in love that she wouldn't run a mile or go telling her friends and family. At the same time, how can I possibly get to that stage with somebody when this is hanging over me? It's a mind boggle. The worst thing is, after a year without any sort of female interaction, the past few nights I've been getting intimate with a girl I really like but I keep making excuses to why I have to kick her out in the middle of the night. I just become so anxious around her it becomes impossible to go! Ive gotten away with it so far but i'll not be able to keep up the deception long. I know i'll end up driving her away and ruining my chances eventually. Anyway, thanks to anyone reading, much appreciated. Hope to talk to some of you soon. Sion
Re: My story
Posted by Simon on 15/4/2010, 5:03 pm, in reply to "My story"
Hi Sion The good news is you are starting to face up to your demons now. Andrew is a great help. I am sure he can offer you some helpful advice. All I can say is get yourself onto a workshop. You will make real progress and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also, you are young and only had this condition about four years. I did my first workshop in September, and another since. Already my social life has massively improved and my AP is a tiny fraction of what is once was. I was 25 then, 26 now, and had this condition since Primary school. They say the longer you have these bad habbits the harder it is to reverse, but at the same time there are people in there 50s who have lived with this their whole lifes and have cured themselves. If I can and they can you can to, you just have to commit to beating it and have some believe in yourself. As people in my raving days used to say, "It's All Good!"
Re: My story
Posted by Sion on 15/4/2010, 9:58 pm, in reply to "Re: My story"
Thanks Simon, when you say it like that and compare it to some peoples stories I guess it puts mine in perspective. Yeah I've emailed Andrew recently and i'm planning on attending the next beginners workshop. Thanks again. Sion
Re: My story
Posted by Anrew on 15/4/2010, 10:07 pm, in reply to "My story"
Hi Sion
Well done for getting all this out in the open. What has happened is in the past. Skinner, the psychologist, used to challenge clients by asking them "What are you going to do about it now!". i.e. he forced them to break away from worrying about how a condition was affecting them, to thinking about how to move forward.
As I read your posting, your big worry is the effect your disclosure would have on your girlfriend. As it stands, all you can say is that you have this condition, and that it has already ruined a relationship. Not good. But if you could explain what steps you are taking to address it, she will probably fall in and support you, so long as you do keep on addressing it.
Know the enemy; read up about paruresis, and read up how you can start addressing it - go to our website for this i.e. not this forum.
But use this forum to get encouragement and support from others who have been there. Their stories will have similarities, but also each individual's condition will have something about it that is specific to him or her. Be aware of that.
And as Simon says, aim to attend a workshop. There you will find you are no longer different, and can safely address this condition as your own pace.
cheers
Andrew
Re: My story
Posted by Mark L on 17/4/2010, 5:25 pm, in reply to "Re: My story"
Hi Sion,
Thanks for sharing your story. Im glad that you are planning a workshop, it will be the best thing you can do. If you need to tell your partner, then tell her. It will make you feel much more relaxed and you will have to make no excuses to her anymore.
Iv been where you are, at uni and with a girl at my own house, but I didnt tell her for years! The first time I bought her round and needed the loo, I pretended to go upstiars to have a shower to take away the time pressure!
I got alot better on my own but the first workshop I did really pushed me to a level I never imagined possible.
All the best,
Mark
Re: My story
Posted by Andrew on 18/4/2010, 8:18 am, in reply to "Re: My story"
Hi All
Just following on from what Mark said: "the first workshop I did really pushed me to a level I never imagined possible."
The wording suggests that Mark was "pushed" to do things. Mark will hopefully agree with me that at all times he was never pushed, but decided for himself what he was going to do: any pushing, if any, came from him wanting to try things out.
I am saying this just to ensure that no-one gets put off!!
Mark, do you agree with this?
Cheers
Andrew
Re: My story
Posted by Peter on 21/4/2010, 6:27 am, in reply to "Re: My story"
As a participant in the most recent beginners'workshop in London, I fully agree with Andrew that nobody is pushed into doing anything. Everyone gets enthusiastic encouragement from the course leaders and lots of useful ideas and ways to overcome the problem. There is no pressure from anybody to do anything. If you do not wish to take part in any procedure, nobody will think any the worse of you. I would encourage any sufferers from Paruresis to attend the next beginners' workshop and to start out upon the road to recovery.
Re: My story
Posted by Mark L on 21/4/2010, 8:48 pm, in reply to "Re: My story"
Hi,
Yeah completly aggree, I can see how it could have been mis-interperated. I should have used the word 'excelled' or something!