My story
Posted by Sion on 15/4/2010, 11:08 am
Hi everyone, I discovered this site a couple of years ago but this is the first post I've made, as is common with the condition I've been avoiding facing my demons for a long time. Obviously the problem doesn't go away of its own accord though so I think it's really time to start taking positive steps. Ive been living with this since about mid 2007 when i was 19. However, unlike a lot of the stories I've read through on here, I feel I can be held more accountable for my issues. I used to enjoy a busy social life before this problem manifested itself, drinking, going to clubs and festivals, spending time with friends, etc. I also enjoyed taking drugs though which I think is what caused my phobia to develop. I can't remember ever having issues before dabbling with things like LSD, but when 'on it' I started becoming aware of the inability to pass urine when I needed to. This gradually became worse, moving from being something i experienced only when on drugs, to something that happened when I drank, to the point now where it affects me all the time, even when i'm in my own home if I have guests round. Foolishly the longer I've left it the worst its become. I'm sure you all understand how slippery a slope it is. A constant downward spiral. Anyway, I haven't touched drugs in years now. Once i realized the side effect I got I quit them altogether. Unfortunately the problem didn't subside though. Until last year I was in a serious long term relationship with a girl that was with me since before the problem arose. It took about a year to tell her but eventually I did, mainly because my change in character seemed to be driving her away and I felt I had to explain myself. I had started avoiding all social situations in which i might end up having to be uncomfortable for hours. Telling her definitely helped for a little while, she was really understanding and though we started going out and doing things again I was never as sociable and active as when i was younger and healthy. Eventually things fell apart because of my avoiding tendencies. I guess it became too much after a while for her and I lost the only person I had to talk to about it. I see less and less of my friends these days, I can't tell whether they know or not but I suspect they've put two and two together. Making excuses every weekend as to why I'm not going to the pub or wherever people are socializing means I generally don't get asked anymore. Whenever I do anything these days my phobia is taken into account. I constantly worry about the future, how i'm going to hold down a career once I leave university in June, or how i'm ever going have another serious relationship with someone. Its like a massive paradox, in order to bring myself to telling another girl about my phobia I would want us to be so close or in love that she wouldn't run a mile or go telling her friends and family. At the same time, how can I possibly get to that stage with somebody when this is hanging over me? It's a mind boggle. The worst thing is, after a year without any sort of female interaction, the past few nights I've been getting intimate with a girl I really like but I keep making excuses to why I have to kick her out in the middle of the night. I just become so anxious around her it becomes impossible to go! Ive gotten away with it so far but i'll not be able to keep up the deception long. I know i'll end up driving her away and ruining my chances eventually. Anyway, thanks to anyone reading, much appreciated. Hope to talk to some of you soon. Sion
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