This Discussion Board is for women who
find it difficult or impossible to urinate in a public or social situation. Men should use the men's Board.
The Board is maintained and moderated by the
U.K. Paruresis Trust. Registered Charity no: 1109541.
For
further information, visit our website, or contact us at
Hi, think it is a really good idea to have this women's board Andrew. Perhaps will encourage more ladies to share experiences. I have had paruresis most of my adult life, (I'm 66). Since I've been single and enjoy socialising it seems to have affected my life more. I used not to avoid doing anything because of it, but following some very stressful and painful episodes I've now become more cautious, especially regarding travelling. I have a good life but it would be much better without having to worry about weeing, plan fluid intake etc. before every occasion - and I would like to choose a holiday without considering the same!
I've been on a couple of workshops, and made progress in a weekend through desensing, but cannot get any further without a pee buddy. I don't have so much of a problem when I'm out alone, as there is no pressure - if I can't go in one department store I can just go to another - with the result that I can go anyway. It's when I'm out with friends or on a trip or walk with a group that I lock up and can't go unless I can get to the loo without them! Maybe if there are enough women posting on here to be interested, we could have a women's workshop. Or I found it surprisingly OK going to a mixed one as long as there is another female there to "practice" with. Because men and women all share the same kind of fears, it did not seem embarrassing to talk together. The only technique I have found which helps at all is to think about something completely different like what I was doing all day yesterday or planning tomorrow etc. But it only works if the stress level is not too high, otherwise no go. Hope to hear from other ladies on here, have you found anything which has helped you? Jane
Hi Jane. I was very interested to read your story, and here's mine! I am about to be 74, have had this problem since I was about 13, and only THIS YEAR, following a stay in hospital, where I first openly discussed my problem with a nurse, have I found that I am not alone with this problem, and this realisation has been a real eye-opener for me! Even when I subsequently asked for advice from my G.P. she too was unaware of the condition of paruresis. She referred me to a specialist nurse, who told me it was a recognised condition and gave me some literature to read, and I have gone on from there. I am currently reading Carol Olmert's really interesting and informative book "Bathrooms make me Nervous", which I purchased online, and reading this I realise I also have other "phobias" related to my paruretic anxieties, in that I shy away from using ATM machines if there is anyone else about, and try to have a friend with me when I need to fill up my car with petrol, as I panic when there are long queues of people at the pumps and can't manage on my own! How weird is that? I think the idea of a pee buddy is a good one, but probably not realistic unless living close by. I live in Kent. I hope we can share some more views/experiences.
What a good idea this new forum is. There did not seem to be much for "women only" on the U.S site which could be relevant for ongoing sharing. Well done, Andrew and thanks for setting this up.
My problems began immediately after childbirth (33 years ago) when I just found it impossible to pee to order and didn't manage to get that ability back. I'm not a terribly confident person and I think the lack of privacy at that time, some extreme ignorance about childbirth, and a bit of post-natal depression all conspired to leave me with an inability to pee to order, notably in places where there are other people around. For instance, queuing to go to the toilet would be a waste of time as I couldn't go once it was my turn if there were still people waiting to go after me, unless someone else flushed a toilet, or there was a hot air hand dryer, or someone turned on a tap......
I love to travel and have never allowed my toilet difficulties to prevent me travelling, although it has sometimes been challenging. I always relied on the fact that at the end of each day, there would be a sufficiently private toilet available in whatever accommodation we were using. I used to drink little during the day so that I wouldn't need to use daytime facilities which may not fit into the category of "toilets I can use", and took cranberry capsules to reduce the risk of developing urine infections. I never went anywhere without cystitis powders, but not surprisingly still had numerous infections over the years.
A couple of years ago we went high altitude trekking in Nepal to Everest Base Camp - a long held ambition. As we got high up I discovered that I could not rely on there always being private facilities available - there were simply no flush toilets in the accommodation (water freezes at that altitude), the shared facilities often being little more than a hole in the ground in a dark shed with no lock on the door and composting leaves in the hole to assist with decomposition. If I had known that, we wouldn’t have booked the holiday. But if that's all there is, there really is no choice and I simply had to quickly find ways of being able to use those facilities - I timed my toilet visits for when everyone else was busy eating, for instance, so that no-one would notice me slipping out, or I would wait until everyone else had gone to bed. To my great surprise I found I could use the squat toilets under those circumstances given enough time to get comfortable etc. Half way through the trek I developed diarhorea, and while we were walking through the day there were no toilets available - we were above the tree-line so I literally had to squat behind rocks to defecate, and found that I could. The need for dignity and privacy disappeared!
I did wonder if this behavior would be transferable to "real life" when I got home, and it was up to a point. I do still have to plan ahead, use (or try at least) every toilet possible, and if I get a bit stressed it's the first thing to go. I wouldn't dream of doing things like shopping with friends, and at work I have to make sure that no-one else is in the ladies before I use one of the toilets. I do still get a lot of urine infections. But it doesn't dominate my life any more. Sometimes it affects my life, at other times it's in the background.
We're going back to Nepal again in October. I have to confess to slight misgivings, but I have used squat toilets on occasion since then, so I know I can do it.
I haven't been on a desensing course. I'm a little scared to fiddle with something which has become manageable and for that reason probably won't.
The only holidays I take are self-catering. It's as good as being at home, from a loo point of view. Getting there and back can be a challenge however, and not knowing what you'll find when you get there. Fortunately many self-catering cottages have good photos of the interior on the web (including the loo hopefully). Once there I don't venture further from the cottage than my bladder will permit. Since I love the countryside, I wish I could relieve myself while outdoors but I can't (even though I have tried often enough) so I have to up-sticks and get back to the cottage as quickly as I can. Still, it's better than no holiday at all!